The Devastation of Loss
by Dead Man's Toe
Summary: After Lexa's death, Clarke isn't just grieving. She's broken. It's up to her friends and family to try to put back together what remaining pieces of her they can find.
**Author's Note:** sorry for the angst, but I really needed to work out my grief after Thursday's episode. I'm sure next week's episode will make this AU. Hugs to every Clexa fan out there. We deserved better.

* * *

In the end, John had to carry her back into camp.

It wasn't because Clarke was injured that her legs simply refused to move. It was paralyzing grief. Her despair was so strong that her body could no longer work. Instead, she collapsed under a tree, curled into herself, and sobbed.

Awkwardly, John sat next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Despite their differences, Clarke had called him a friend and saved him, and he wasn't about to leave her side now. He was all too familiar with the pain of losing a loved one, having lost both of his parents. It was a horrible, consuming pain; one that he now wished he could take from Clarke. For now, all he could do was hold her tightly and let her sob in safety.

When Clarke's body had exhausted itself, she fell silently agfainst John's shoulder, clutching her stomach as if it would stop the pain. It wouldn't. John knew that.

"We need to make it back before the blockade gets here," John finally said, breaking the silence.

"Let the grounders kill me," Clarke mumbled miserably.

Without another word, John scooped Clarke into his arms bridal-style and began to walk. She was heavier than he thought she'd be, but it didn't matter. He refused to abandon her to the mercy of the grounders.

She sighed heavily and leaned into his chest, accepting his help. Tears still stained her cheeks, and her eyes glowed red. The sight of her tugged at John's heart.

"I don't suppose we can just walk through the front gate?" John asked, worried about how they would be received. From what Clarke had told him about the new chancellor, he sounded brutal.

"There's a secret passage," Clarke informed him weakly. "I'll show you when we get there."

John walked on for a few minutes in silence before Clarke asked, "Why are you helping me?"

He considered her question for a moment before answering. "Why did you help me? You didn't have to. You could have left me to die."

"You're my people," Clarke replied.

John thought back to the girl who had confronted him with the knife when she thought he had killed Wells and the girl who had banished him when he went after Charlotte for justice. They were both so different now.

"You called me your friend," he reminded her gently.

"By this point, I think you've earned the title," Clarke replied with a weak laugh.

"So have you," John said softly.

Clarke smiled slightly, and for a few seconds, the pain was gone from her face.

* * *

Abby gasped in horror at the sight of her daughter in Murphy's arms. "What the hell happened?" she demanded, rushing over to see where her daughter was injured.

"She's gone," Clarke muttered softly.

As Murphy shifted Clarke awkwardly to the ground, Abby scanned her. "Who's gone?" she asked, worry creeping into her voice.

Clarke burst into tears and shook her head, unable to answer the question. After determining that it was only her heart that was hurt, Abby turned to Murphy. "What happened?"

"Commander Lexa," he answered solemnly. "She's dead."

Clarke began to sob harder. Abby crouched down next to her daughter and wrapped her into a tight hug. She had no idea that Lexa had meant so much to Clarke. It was an unpleasant shock that was spreading throughout her entire body. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"He-e was t-trying to ki-ill me," Clarke sobbed. "And-d he sh-sh-shot Le-exa inst-tead."

"Who?"

Abby nearly jumped when she heard Octavia's voice. She turned to see the girl standing with Kane, both watching the unfolding scene with concern.

"T-titus," she answered, desperately trying to hold back tears.

"Clarke," Octavia started. She paused for a moment as if considering what to say. "I'm so sorry."

In the safety of her family and friends, Clarke continued to shake and sob until she threw up onto the floor while Murphy held her hair back and Abby felt like she had failed her daughter once again.

* * *

Even Raven felt pain at the sight of Clarke. As the two friends sat alone in a room Abby had secured for Clarke, Raven rubbed her back. All Clarke did these days was sit in a catatonic state and stare at the wall. She was in more pain than even Raven thought she had ever felt.

"She's in so much pain," Allie commented.

Raven nodded, not wanting to answer aloud but knowing that Clarke could not see her.

"We need to ease it."

Raven nodded again, wondering what she could do without the key Jaha had given her.

"Do not despair, Raven. We will get the keys back, and we will bring peace to your friend. For now, she needs your comfort until we can bring her to the City of Light."

Raven nodded a final time, acknowledging Allie's words before the AI disappeared.

"The resisters are going to be able to bring down Pike soon," Raven said, hoping to cheer up Clarke.

Normally, Clarke wouldn't respond, but today she glanced up at Raven and said, "That doesn't matter to you at all, does it?"

"He will take his place among the City of Light soon," she answered. "As will we all."

"Tell me about it again," she requested.

Raven smiled brightly, happy to see Clarke responding. "There is no more pain and suffering," she said. "Physical, emotional, all of it is gone. I no longer feel the pain in my leg or the deaths of those I love weighing down on me."

"Murphy is skeptical," Clarke replied.

"He hasn't seen it," Raven answered.

"Can I really get rid of my pain?" Clarke asked hopefully.

"Soon," Raven replied.

Clarke sighed and rested her head in her hands, returning to her usual position. Raven leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "I'll make sure you feel better soon," she whispered. "I promise."


End file.
